Musings on the end of 37. Or, What does "courageous" look like?

In my world literature classes, we're starting to read a play that, for me, is a vehicle to ask kids about courage -- what does courage look like? what would you be willing to be courageous for? how fare are you willing to take your act of courage?

And they have their ideas. Their 15, 16, 17 year old ideas about what they'd be willing stand up for - to endure ridicule for, to face societal wrath for.

For Antigone, the choice is life or death, family honor, personal integrity. And she was willing to make a pretty tough choice.

But what is it for me? How am I courageous in my daily life? Or really, ever, in my whole life? And if I don't really have those big issues to deal with, how else can I practice being courageous? I don't generally have to choose between totally giving up my principles and suffering quietly through injustice. Or maybe I do and I need to take the smaller versions of those things more seriously?

People used to tell me when I first up and moved to Alaska that that was being brave, being courageous. In hindsight, I think it was more blind stupidity than courage - I had no idea what I was really getting myself into. I think you have to have more of a clue for a choice to be considered courageous.

And maybe I'm thinking too big about being courageous. Maybe it doesn't mean I quite my job tomorrow and raise capital to open a new school while I still have a mortgage to pay and need health insurance. Maybe it doesn't mean I jump in front of a bus to save someone's life.

Maybe it means trying Brussels sprouts for dinner.
With mustard sauce.
Or taking kale to a holiday party.
Or saying goodbye to a friend knowing I wouldn't see her again.

Could courage mean I get to spend time reading a book for pleasure for an hour today? Or is that just leaning how to be more selfish and that's not really courageous?

Could it mean I try to say "no" to projects and opportunities that won't make me happy? Or, again, is that just becoming more about me and less about other people? What if I learn to say "no" to projects not on the basis of personal happiness but humankind's well being?

I do know that acts of courage or bravery are things that need to be practiced. And I'm not practicing them enough. I let too many days slide by without making a conscious choice to step out of my zone of proximal development and practice something new or risk ridicule or a moment's shame.

And so I will take the kale to the holiday party. And face ridicule. And know that's not really bravery.

But I will know that I'm thinking about it.
Mulling over what it means.
What it looks like.
And how I can make the next year of my life somehow more courageous.

For reals.